so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
