Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
