remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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