I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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