If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
