If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
