OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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