I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
