walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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