Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
