Swine flu. Run for my life!
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
