As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
