my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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