I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
