my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
