he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Threesome in a minivan. New low
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
