She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
