I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
two words: eviction party
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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