Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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