I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.â€
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