I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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