I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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