I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
