why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
tell me about the eggs
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
