Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
