and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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