The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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