I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
