Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
