I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
