After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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