I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
