the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
