Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
