She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
