my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just invented taco cereal.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
