Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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