You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
