dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
All I want is dick and wine.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
