U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
