Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
