he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
