gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
