Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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