wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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