Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
they need to just BURY HIM!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
