She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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