i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
