I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
