my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
