my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
